Goldilocks: The True Story

Once upon a time, three bears lived in the forest and for a reason I’ll never fathom, they always ate porridge for breakfast. I’m sure Mama Bear thought her husband could handle the porridge, hot or not, but why she didn’t check the temp for the baby is unconscionable. 

At any rate, Baby Cub burned his tongue and flew out of the cottage in a panic—probably in search of a stream—and Mama and Papa took off after him. Quite safety conscious, they’d normally lock their door. Not this time. Big mistake.

Anyway, once Baby quenched his thirst, the family decided to enjoy the beautiful day and forget the porridge.  Who could blame them?

In the meantime, Goldilocks, the yellow-haired imp terrorizing the neighborhood—her wanted poster hung on a nearby tree—walked right into their house just as boldly as you please. She wouldn’t have anything to do with the porridge, but she took out a loaf of bread and popped a couple of pieces into the toaster. Taking the strawberry jam from the fridge, the young lady—if you can call her that—spread it liberally on the toast, dropping some on the table and floor. But the toast hadn’t filled her up, so she reached into the fridge again and pulled out a T-bone to fry and a half-dozen eggs. You can imagine the mess she made—grease splattering everywhere and shells crunching under her feet. Goodness.

So after a very satisfying breakfast—some would say gluttonous—she eyed the chairs but decided to nap instead and went straight for the beds. Once she tried Mama Bear’s, she figured the bears couldn’t afford a new mattress—it must be as old as the hills! Then she plopped face-first into Papa’s and got a bit of a nasty surprise when it didn’t spring back. After leaving jam all over the first two pillows, she dove for Baby’s. Ahhh!  There was just enough give to make it worth her while to go to sleep.

Finally, the Bear family returned. When they realized the door was slightly open, they looked at each other in shock. “Call the cops, Mother,” said Papa. Luckily, her cell phone was tucked into one of the pockets on her apron.

The cops arrived, sirens blaring, and Goldilocks slept through it all. When they swarmed the house and spotted the intruder, they shouted in joy that they’d finally caught the yellow-haired mischief maker. Despite the fact that she still slept soundly, they read her her rights and carted her off.

And Mama, Papa, and Baby Bear never left the house again without locking the door behind them.